Monthly Archives: March 2010
Do you think people can arrive in your dreams in a significant way? In a way that gives proof to a connection not known by the conscious?
Here’s something you didn’t know about me – I think they do. I hope they do. It might be foolish, but sometimes I let my dreams guide my life.
Important people in my life enter my dreams and share a similar presence. There is always a tangible presence, something familiar and shared among their appearances. It started with B, I suppose. At least in this section of my life. When I met her she was everywhere in my dreaming world, and she knew it. We had some kind of connection that was built into us. She made me believe in something. Granted, our relationship was volatile, but that didn’t stop her from showing up in my dreams. Since then, I’ve been dreaming of people in similar ways. Their presence in my dreams shares some kind of kinship of importance. And this past weekend a stranger entered my dreams and made me reevaluate my life. It was a simple embracing, a simple direction of his energy focused on me, that made me start to think when I woke up.
Being home makes me happy, it makes me feel comfortable, and I’m drawn to it for some reason besides it’s comfort. There is something there, waiting for me to find it. Even if it’s just myself. And I cannot afford to pass up that opportunity.
Hopefully Avalon will work out what she needs to and we can live together again. It would be incredible if we could open chapters of our lives together again. I’ll find work, spend a year going to school part-time, and then finish with a solid senior year. One year late won’t be too bad, I don’t think.
I don’t have expectations, really. I just know I need to go to school back home.
Dragonette: if you were my car keys where would you be?
Me: probably making out with you on your couch. if i were those keys.
But Michelle Trachtenberg’s presence in Complex magazine is rocking my world right now.
It’s hard to talk to Dragonette about other women. We’re in this weird place together. I want to be with her, on some level. Even if it’s just casual to get our bearings. And as far as I can tell, she wants that too. I believe her, which I have had trouble with in the past. But that doesn’t change the fact that she is a world away. And we are both meeting people, and deciding to let ourselves like them or not.
The world sent me a sign today. Flower Girl. Leave it to random encounters for enlightenment, eh?
She made me realize that I am being so overwhelmingly paranoid about offending women by liking them without knowing their sexual orientation. We talked about the inherent fluidity of sexuality. People have been sleeping with members of the same sex for centuries. It’s only now that it is categorized. I have to get over the fear of it all.
And I have to let go of Zero. She’s the real reason I haven’t been dating women. When she called me last month as a part of her 9 Step NA program, I was floored. She still has the ability to floor me. After all these years. Which is why dating men is so much easier. I’m just not as emotionally affected by them. Which creates difficult situations because the sexual attraction swiftly fades and I’m left wanting something else (which is a completely different story).
Back on track…I don’t want to feel like that ever again. The way Zero made me feel. So I stopped dating women. I ran away from MF (which I deeply regret), I fled from Skinny (which was a good thing), I passed up opportunity after opportunity, because I refused to let myself fall that sexually, emotionally, mentally, deeply again. And in the middle of it all, I met Dragonette.
I don’t know where most of this is going. I’m sleep deprived and feeling honest, and talking to her makes me want to hug her and date her and hold her hand. Which kind of makes me want to vomit. But mainly makes me scared and delirious. And I’m pretty sure she doesn’t like holding hands with people.
I’m so freaking gay.
I’ve been kissing girls since pre-school…and now I decide to have a sexuality crisis?
Jesus. I am so backwards. Such is my life, y’all.