Valentine’s Day was swell. I spent it with the Poet, bowling, playing pool, eating pizza, and feeding pizza crust to ducks. He is incredibly easy to talk to. A day well spent.
What did y’all do for Valentine’s day? Anything romantic? Did you avoid it altogether? Perhaps you spent it in bed with cookies (which was my alternative).
I tried speaking to Cry-Baby tonight. She’s different. Something’s different. Traveling across the country will do that to a person, I suppose. I don’t think she’ll ever understand how confused she made me. How ass-backwards vulnerable she made me. I wasn’t flaky, I wasn’t indecisive. I was just confused. I felt antagonized for months, to have my world turned to adoration. And then I had to make a decision. And I couldn’t. Because I was still used to feeling antagonized and tolerated. Whatever. I won’t bring it up again. After the initial conversation she just…stopped responding. I think she has her mind set concerning how she sees it all, and I am tired of trying to explain it. I spent months watching her walk away from people, avoid commitment like the plague. So that’s what I expected. As much as she told me differently, I needed something tangible. Which is impossible. And then she left. I just have to get over it.
Ready. Set. Go.
**I feel like I need to explain that Cry-Baby meant something to me. I’ve never liked someone for such an extended period of time. I just needed to know she wouldn’t leave. Which is ironic, because in the end she did anyways. I know I left once as well, and that I hurt her unintentionally. But when I looked at her, I only saw her. Which is rare for me. I always have one foot out of the door. Hence the preoccupation and the fear.**
There is a mixture of emotions around me. The prospect of newness. Refreshing, trip-you-up newness. And the heaviness of history. Cry-Baby, the Artist.
In the land of humor: I was talking to Tao about how I am worried I’ll end up a spinster with a herd of goats (as opposed to a house of cats), and he laughed at me. He told me I had too much life and passion to end up alone. That he could see me at 70 with a young toy on my arm.
I need to find someone who won’t become exhausted by my nature. He said I’d find someone to match my fire. God, I hope so.
I can handle being alone, and right now I’m reveling in the quietness I’m in. But some nights, some moments, I’d like to feel that belly magic of new love.
~ Hannah Morgan
Have you ever thought of posing nude for art?
How about photography?
Now, how about posing for an X-Project?
Let me explain. Venturing into the modeling world is tricky business. It was one thing to have my ex take pictures of me, but now I’m trying to get out into the reality of the modeling world. And I’ve recently been asked to partake in the X-Project. Which is, essentially, showing my sexual kinks on film – photography film. Not posing. Action, baby.
Now, my gut reaction is “no freaking way.” But the rational behind the project actually makes sense. People spend too much time not addressing what they want. It’s taboo. It’s dirty. It’s…private. Okay, I get the private part. But if you want something, communication is the key. Key to satisfaction, satisfaction!
The decision on the project, for real? I’ll keep my kinks away from photographers I hardly know.
I forgot Valentine’s Day is this Sunday. And I’m apathetic about it as a “holiday.” Last year went fairly well, and this year will too. I’m going bowling and to play pool with the Poet, whom I’ve only met once over the past three years. It’s nothing romantic. We planned it without the awareness that our hanging out coincided with the dreaded “day of love.”
And it’s just a day, right? A day like any other. A day when I’ll have fun with a new friend and do my best to forget about fabricated love celebrations and chocolate. [Dammit – is my bitterness seeping in?]
In other news, never again will I base my procrastination on the weather. Weather.com said it would snow, so I didn’t go to sleep until 4 am. Much to my surprise, I woke up to a sunny – and relatively warm – winter morning four hours later. Just in time for my 9 am class.
Zooey Deschanel is just the cutest girl. I love her to bits in Tin Man.
We’re all just trying to find someone with similar psychoses. That’s what dating is. I’m not saying everything has to be perfectly alligned, but your weird has to fit my weird.
Let’s face it, we all have annoying habits. I am well aware of some of mine. I know I can be lazy as shit, sleep in ’til all hours of the day, and create chaotic messes in my wake. But if you take my bad, I’ll take yours. It’s a give and take. And when it works, the good lines up pretty damn well.
No, I’m not into bestiality, please move along.
You like staying in bed all day eating cookies and kissing pretty girls? My God! Me too!
You like to flog people? On you go.
Have a laugh.