Tag Archives: relationships

Dreamin’ all these worlds –

Do you think people can arrive in your dreams in a significant way? In a way that gives proof to a connection not known by the conscious?

Here’s something you didn’t know about me – I think they do. I hope they do. It might be foolish, but sometimes I let my dreams guide my life.

Important people in my life enter my dreams and share a similar presence. There is always a tangible presence, something familiar and shared among their appearances. It started with B, I suppose. At least in this section of my life. When I met her she was everywhere in my dreaming world, and she knew it. We had some kind of connection that was built into us. She made me believe in something. Granted, our relationship was volatile, but that didn’t stop her from showing up in my dreams. Since then, I’ve been dreaming of people in similar ways. Their presence in my dreams shares some kind of kinship of importance. And this past weekend a stranger entered my dreams and made me reevaluate my life. It was a simple embracing, a simple  direction of his energy focused on me, that made me start to think when I woke up.

Being home makes me happy, it makes me feel comfortable, and I’m drawn to it for some reason besides it’s comfort. There is something there, waiting for me to find it. Even if it’s just myself. And I cannot afford to pass up that opportunity.

Hopefully Avalon will work out what she needs to and we can live together again. It would be incredible if we could open chapters of our lives together again. I’ll find work, spend a year going to school part-time, and then finish with a solid senior year. One year late won’t be too bad, I don’t think.

I don’t have expectations, really. I just know I need to go to school back home.

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I live life backwards.

It’s hard to talk to Dragonette about other women. We’re in this weird place together. I want to be with her, on some level. Even if it’s just casual to get our bearings. And as far as I can tell, she wants that too. I believe her, which I have had trouble with in the past. But that doesn’t change the fact that she is a world away. And we are both meeting people, and deciding to let ourselves like them or not.

The world sent me a sign today. Flower Girl. Leave it to random encounters for enlightenment, eh?
She made me realize that I am being so overwhelmingly paranoid about offending women by liking them without knowing their sexual orientation. We talked about the inherent fluidity of sexuality. People have been sleeping with members of the same sex for centuries. It’s only now that it is categorized. I have to get over the fear of it all.

And I have to let go of Zero. She’s the real reason I haven’t been dating women. When she called me last month as a part of her 9 Step NA program, I was floored. She still has the ability to floor me. After all these years. Which is why dating men is so much easier. I’m just not as emotionally affected by them. Which creates difficult situations because the sexual attraction swiftly fades and I’m left wanting something else (which is a completely different story).
Back on track…I don’t want to feel like that ever again. The way Zero made me feel. So I stopped dating women. I ran away from MF (which I deeply regret), I fled from Skinny (which was a good thing), I passed up opportunity after opportunity, because I refused to let myself fall that sexually, emotionally, mentally, deeply again. And in the middle of it all, I met Dragonette.

I don’t know where most of this is going. I’m sleep deprived and feeling honest, and talking to her makes me want to hug her and date her and hold her hand. Which kind of makes me want to vomit. But mainly makes me scared and delirious. And I’m pretty sure she doesn’t like holding hands with people.

I’m so freaking gay.
I’ve been kissing girls since pre-school…and now I decide to have a sexuality crisis?
Jesus. I am so backwards. Such is my life, y’all.

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Smoldering Temptress.

I’m really tired of being held back by fear, and by my self-inflicted restrictions.
So I’m going to do a little experiment.

For the end of this month, and for the month of March, I’m going to be flirtatious as hell and gain the confidence I’ve been needing.
How will I do this?
In the wise words of Dragonette,
“Fake it. It will come naturally after that.”
Apparently I already exude sexuality. I’ve just got to recognize it and feel comfortable in my own skin.

Why not, right?

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Spice ain’t always nice.

After my last relationship I asked the universe to spice up my dating life:

What did I get in the past two months?

  • A ginger with a beard (I’m not hating – I’m a ginger lady.)
  • A guy who was into peeing on faces, didn’t have a problem with indirect bestiality, and had his own personal flog.
  • A girl who I want in my bed, but she moved 3,000 miles away.
  • A presumptuous asshole that pretended we were in an intense/serious relationship after a week.

Thanks, world. At least you spiced it up.

Tatuaje does not have a ring on his finger. I’m thoroughly confused.

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And another one bites the dust.

I hate pretentious assholes. 

The Poet is a pretentious asshole of grandiose proportions. 
My life is not a source of inspiration for your desperate attempt at a poetic life.
I am completely shocked at his obliviousness and deplorable inter-personal skills. He has known me for a week. That hardly qualifies as knowing me. And he most definitely does not know my father, the antagonist of his offensive poem. Nor does he know about my mother’s death, my childhood, my sisters, or myself. 

This weekend was awful. I only like music made by men with beards, I do not want to date a beard. 
No, you cannot oddly rub my head,
No, you cannot hold my hand,
No, I do not want to kiss you and your awkwardly bearded face,
No, I do not want you to try and comfort me. I have dealt with a lot, and I’ve held my own hand. Your presence in my life does not make me want to run to you for saving. 
Yes, women are infinitely better.
No, I will not exclusively not date you while I figure my life out. 
And NO, I don’t want you to write about my life as you pretend to know the inner workings of my being.  

He actually asked me if I only feel protected by men. Or if women could also provide that male role.
He was only funny and nice to talk to during the first 12 hours of knowing him. 

I am over it.

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Tumultuous!

Epic, epic fail. 
Tatuaje is married. I should look at hands more often. {and he is married to the hottest of wives – duh}
The Poet has made my life a tad more confusing. I adore his company, but to what extent? 
Dragonette makes me wonder about the past. What if, the summer after my freshman year, we’d actually started dating? Would I have left school that semester? Would my headspace have been any better? 
Driade has too many confines and boundaries. And makes me feel like an idiot, on occasion. I think I have maintained a state of confusion regarding said individual since before I was born.

 

And I am painfully, irrevocably in love with the one person I cannot have. Three years. Fucking fuck. Shit cunting balls. 

Never eat at Jake’s Diner on I-40. Their hash-browns taste like fried bits of butter, and their pancakes are lathered in whipped cream and candied strawberries. 

In conclusion:
I am a whiny bitch.

I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE HE IS MARRIED.

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Poly – who?

I have no idea why I’m starting a blog post instead of studying for my Environmental exam that I have tomorrow. I’ve been in college for three years now! I should know better right? Wrong. Because here I am, typing away.
The good thing about college is that I don’t have the class until 12:45 – fuel for procrastination.

Anywho.

I’ve been rolling the idea of polyamorous relationships around in my head lately. Wondering if they are actually possible. Could I love, say, two people at once, and trust them to love me back? I’m sure jealousy is a factor, and distributing affection equally. But could I ever be in a relationship with two other people? I’m finding that as hard as I think it could be, with my tendencies towards jealousy, I’m not opposed to it. Under the right circumstances it could even be fun, and a healthy experience. Which isn’t to say I’ll ever find the right circumstance to test out my theory. 
Then again, maybe I’m just too much of a jealous bitch for a situation like that. 

Just a thought.

~Hannah Morgan

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