I woke up intending to go to class this morning, but when I got to campus…my car kept driving. Past the parking lots, through campus, and on into the District.
I found myself parked in front of one of my favorite restaraunts, marginally hungry and unbelievably hopeful.
I went in, cowboy boots against pavement, hair pulled back, and full of resolve. What do I do when I get into the actual restaurant? Nothing. Well, I stare awkwardly, and I bite my lip thinking of things to say. Tatuaje was RIGHT in front of me, as I waited at the bar. I looked everywhere possible – except at him.
Until I thought he wouldn’t notice me looking at him. And he caught me every single time.
When my sandwich was ready he handed it to me with a, “Here’s your food sweetie, I’ll see you.”
What do I do? Mutter thanks and RUN THE FUCK out of the restaurant, and proceed to hyperventilate in the car. Yes, trust me, I know I sound like a crazy, creepy, social idiot. I like to think it’s endearing.
Which brings me to my next point.
I think sexual identity is a god awful, culturally constructed, cage of desire. When I fall for someone, even if it’s just a stranger that I get drawn towards, I always end up questioning myself. Initially I lose all sense of sexual identity. I just focus on the person in my line of vision. And when I come back from the whirlwind of emotion – I am faced with the question of my sexuality. I’m not going to “choose” a gender – because the beauty of it is – I don’t have to. I just have to remind myself that I don’t have to prove anything, to anyone.
You always knew I was a lesbian? News to me.
You think my attraction to women is a passing faze? Also, news to me. It’ll pass when I’m dead. I’ve been kissing girls since pre-school. I didn’t discover guys until middle school.
Lesson from tarot tonight:
The Hanged Man (reversed) – You need to remember that it’s okay to let go. You don’t need to worry about the past anymore; once you really change consciousness, you can’t go back there anyway. That’s what growth is all about.
~ Hannah Morgan